By Heather Caldwell, LPCC
Reconciliation = the restoration of friendly relations.
This is the second installation in our blog series on reconciliation. Often when we speak of reconciliation, it’s in the context of others. For example, after a fight, we (hopefully) repair and reconcile with the other person. We make up. We forgive. We move on. In the first blog installation, I spoke of reconciling with ourselves, more specifically our shadow sides. You can read more on that here. This post, however, speaks to how we reconcile with change - change that is both being imposed upon us (passing of time, being fired or let go from a job, etc.) to change that we choose (expanding/creating a family, relocating, changing careers, etc.).
Many of us find change hard, resist change, and have a hostile relationship with change - even if we want it! Why is that?
This Is Your Brain On Change
There’s an old saying that “neurons that fire together, wire together.” This means that when we do certain things over and over again, the neurons that are used to complete the task wire together and start to create neuropathways. The more we do something, the stronger the neuropathway becomes. This is great if we are learning a new skill we want to get better at. The more we do something, the better we get at it. Hence the saying: practice makes perfect.
With these strong neuropathways, we learn what to expect and soon we feel we can control the outcome of certain things. For example, as babies, we learn that either our cries will be mostly met with love and attention, with punishment, or ignored. Based on the repeated outcome, our neuropathways wire to either cry for positive attention (to be fed, held, or attended to), or to suppress the cry so that we aren’t met with unwanted attention (spanked, yelled at, ignored).
Since we are constantly learning, we are constantly building new pathways. For example, in our teenage years, we learn that if we press the gas pedal just so, the car will smoothly accelerate. We adjust our neural connections when we get a new car and have to adjust the pressure on the gas pedal. The development of new pathways is relatively “easy.” If you do it enough, a pathway will form. This helps explain what happens in our brain but it doesn’t explain why we resist change or why we have an antagonistic relationship with it.
Self-Talk and the Status Quo
It’s not so much as a need to break a habit or just do something differently; our brains literally have to unlearn or break neuropathways in order to create new ones.
It’s not only hard work, it can also be scary! It might feel like things are out of our control. It can push our boundaries, make us question our identity, and bring up parts of ourselves that live in our shadow (see earlier blog post).
Our resistance to change depends on many factors and depends on our previous experiences.
Sometimes we might not have all the “data” for how something will turn out, but we have enough to either lean into the change or to resist it for fear of the outcome. If we’ve learned that certain actions cause a negative outcome, then we resist trying again. Our brain tells us that we already know the outcome and in order to “protect” ourselves from the negative consequences, we may shy away from change.
For example, if past experiences tell us that relationships end because everyone leaves, our brains are wired to believe this. Therefore, we resist entering new relationships or we find ourselves in similar relationships over and over again. (To read more about this phenomenon, click here). It is hard to believe that anything else can be different, we might engage in negative self-talk, and we might fall into a despair spiral vowing to “never again…”.
Other times we don’t have any “data” for how something will turn out, and change means stepping into the great unknown. Cue in the brain’s fear center! For example, we might stay at a job we currently have and dislike because we know the job, we know our boss’ cranky temperament, we know our coworkers. Each day, more or less, we know what to expect when we go to work. The knowing gives us comfort, even if we don’t like our job. If we go to a new job, we might not know the daily job tasks, we don’t know the potential boss’ temperament, we don’t know our coworkers, and if we’ll get along. So our brains tell us it’s just easier, better, more comfortable to stay where we are.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Change Can Happen!
A Shift in Perspective: Creating a Friendly Relationship with Change
Neuroplasticity is our brain’s ability to restructure or rewire itself when we need to adapt to change. This ability is important and doesn’t have to be hard work. We can start to prime our brains for change by taking small steps.
To begin with, learn something new! Do crossword puzzles, sudoku puzzles, or memory games. If you’re a gamer who doesn’t over-consume technology, learn a new video game where you have to explore new worlds, navigate new storylines, and work on new coordination skills.
Listen to a new type of music. As you listen to it, learn the new rhythms and move your body in different ways. Better yet, learn to create music! Learn to sing or write songs, learn to play the guitar, or take up the harmonica.
Exercise! If you already have a routine, switch it up. If you’re a roadrunner, try trail running. If you’re a cyclist, take a new route or try mountain biking. If you’re not exercising, explore what you might want to learn - yoga, pilates, HIIT, Zumba? Take some classes and learn something new.
Learn a new language. There are many apps out now that can help you learn a new language. Download one and practice every day! How long do you think it will take you to learn a new language?
Make art! This can also be a family activity. You don’t have to be good to get started. Dig out all those arts and craft supplies and create something. Anything! Learn to knit or macrame. Watch a YouTube video tutorial on watercolor painting. Get those creative juices flowing!
These activities can let your brain know it can do new things and have a positive outcome. It lets the brain know that we don’t always need to have all the answers before getting started (how well will I play the guitar? Who cares, just play and see!) and we can let go of some control. It lets our brain know that change can be FUN and rewarding! We can make friends with change and we can connect these lessons to other aspects of our lives.
Playing It Forward
With more positive outcomes, the greater our capacity to keep trying new things. If our past experiences show us positive outcomes, then our brain tells us it might be okay to lean into the new situation. Instead of fear, we might feel excitement. For example, going on a road trip for the first time is new and may be scary. But I’ve done it before and everything went well, I’m bound to believe that things will go well the next time I plan a road trip. If the positive outcomes continue, then I might take greater “risks” and plan a trip out of the country or to a new state or a solo trip.
Here are some activities you can do to start building new neuropathways and positive experiences of change.
Journal about the beliefs that hold you back or keep you from living your best life.
Journal on the new belief you’d like to hold.
Meditate on what scenarios, actions, or support systems you might need to live into this new belief.
Create a resource list or box of items, mantras, and activities that can help recenter your thought process should you find yourself falling back into negative self-talk or belief patterns.
Let others know of your plans or intentions! Say it out loud and ask for support.
Connect with a therapist who can help you work through the limiting or negative beliefs, the trauma, and/or the triggers that hold you back from living your best life.
The therapists here at Evolve in Nature are here to help explore these beliefs and support you in creating a healthy relationship with change. For a consultation, contact us at info@evolveinnature.com