By Lenni Ferren, LPCC
Anyone who has experienced grief knows that it is an authentic, strongly felt experience. The void of loss comprises a multitude of emotions. Grief is the experience we have when we have lost something. This loss can be a former self, a friendship, a job, a relationship, a way of life, or the death of a loved one. Grief is like a wound that gets opened up repeatedly, causing waves of feelings, sometimes all at once, and sometimes one emotion will rush through like floodwaters. Life does not stop for grief, so the big question is, how does one cope with the intensely felt experience of the grief process?
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ Five Stages of Grief help us understand the cycles we go through as we process grief. They can come up one after another, in no particular order, or you can stay in one stage for a more extended period than another. One way to work through each cycle is from a body-centered approach. Feeling the emotions in your body during each stage can help make the grief process intentional and inform you about the deepest part of yourself.
How to Process The First Stage of Grief: Denial
Denial is the first of the five stages of grief. When you are in denial, it is a coping mechanism that helps you avoid the pain of the loss. Shock can make you feel disembodied and disconnected. Denial helps you titrate the grief you feel so that it doesn’t feel as though it will overtake you. The body-centered approach to this stage is to start with awareness. You can start by asking yourself, “Do I feel numb, cut off, or overwhelmed? Am I avoiding and/or engaging in behaviors that help me disconnect from life and the event?” If you are aware that you are in denial, there are probably feelings you are trying not to feel. Ask yourself if you are willing to feel them? Next, get in your body in a way that feels nurturing - walking, receiving bodywork, feeling your feet on the ground, noticing your breath in your chest, etc.
Once you are in your body, allow yourself to feel what is there. You may feel heavy in your chest or tension in your muscles; just notice what is there and as you feel all of this in your body, allow emotions to arise naturally. When you bring awareness to a specific area of your body, ask if it feels mad, sad, scared, or even glad. Loss is complex, and any emotion is ok. Permit yourself to feel whatever it is. If you feel sad, name all the things you have lost and ask that part of the body what it wants. If you feel mad, name all the things you are wanting and not getting and what is happening that you don’t want to be happening. Ask the anger what it wants. If you are scared, ask your body what the perceived threats you sense are and ask what it truly wants. And if you are feeling glad, ask what you might be celebrating. For some, a loss can also accompany relief if the loss was complicated or if the person was suffering.
How to Process the Second Stage of Grief: Anger
Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process, and it is one of the most misunderstood emotions. Often people think they are not allowed to feel angry. Or they feel ashamed of their anger. Anger can also feel overwhelming due to its activated energy. Some try to suppress it, and for others, it is preferred over the collapse of profound sadness. When we are in this stage, it is common to lash out at the people around us or turn it inward toward ourselves. Anger gives us a place to put our pain. Working with anger in the body is one of the fastest ways to process emotion.
Anger is a healthy response to things that happen in your life that you don’t like and to not getting what you want, like the person or thing you lost. Notice where your body feels activated when you are angry, ask it those questions, and get to the bottom line of what you are truly wanting. Sometimes you may just want to feel a certain way that you once did or want the person you loved to know they were loved. You may not be able to get back what you have lost, but you can control how you react or respond to this newfound understanding. If you have difficulty accessing anger in your body, try pushing on the wall or the floor or yelling into a pillow. Anger is not something that has to be directed at someone or put somewhere. It is meant to be felt in the body. Don’t be afraid of anger; instead, let it speak to you.
How to Process the Third Stage of Grief: Bargaining
After a loss, bargaining is another stage of the grief process. “What if “ and “if only” are common lines of thinking in this stage. It is also common to feel guilt and go back in time to figure out what you could have done to change the outcome or how you could have done something better. As humans, we will bargain with things to help us escape from the pain, “just one more drink” or “if I do this, it will make it all ok.” But you cannot negotiate yourself out of the past that you cannot change or the pain you feel. The only way through is to feel the feelings you are trying to bargain your way out of. Getting present in our bodies and being willing to feel difficult emotions is the path through.
How to Process the Fourth Stage of Grief: Depression
Depression is the next stage of grief. Depression occurs when the reality of the situation begins to set in. Often this can feel overwhelming and too big to accept. You can feel like giving up or a sense of hopelessness. The inward experience of depression can be a necessary part of healing from a loss. However, when we get stuck or lost in depression, and it becomes chronic, depression can impact life in complex ways. Movement and a body-centered approach can help you move these emotions in this stage. Getting out in nature, gentle exercise, breathing, and loving-kindness towards yourself in the process as you feel the depth of the feelings in and through your body can help you cope through this stage. Seeking a therapist to support you if you are struggling in this stage can also be helpful.
How to Process the Fifth Stage of Grief: Acceptance
Acceptance is the last stage and is not only a concept but a felt experience like surrender. It is like floating in the water and letting it hold you. Acceptance does not mean that what happened has to be ok, or that you are at peace with it. This stage is about accepting the reality that what you have lost is gone and recognizing the permanence of this new reality. You don’t have to like it, but fighting reality is painful. Surrendering to reality is to accept it. You then must re-learn how to live in this new reality and all the new emotions that come up around this. We feel angry and resentful or sad that the life we loved or so lovingly curated is gone, and now we must start over. Are you willing to feel mad or sad about that? Slowly but surely, as you allow yourself to feel and accept what is in the present moment, you begin to live in a brand-new way, make new connections, meaningful relationships. Instead of pushing away your feelings, you can listen to your needs, and in doing so, change, grow and evolve. Just like floodwaters etch a new path through the earth, so does the flood of experience and feelings of grief make a new path for us if we are willing to follow it.
As I mentioned, grief is not linear. These stages can come and go, and they can circle back around multiple times. Navigating through grief in a world that does not stop and does not know how to communicate grief very well can be difficult. Our therapists at Evolve In Nature are well equipped to support you in your grief process. To learn more about the grief therapy we offer in Boulder, click here. Reach out by clicking here to inquire and schedule a consultation.