By Megan Newton, MA, LPC, CCTP, NCC
Throughout narratives, myths, and stories across cultures and across time and space, a common maxim is expressed: what you exile to the dark will return to haunt you. For 300,000 years, we humans have observed what happens in a person’s life when we turn away from pain or discomfort, and we have resoundingly concluded that banishment is unsuccessful.
We’ve witnessed and noticed that what is left untended grows and transforms, sometimes into a monstrous force or detestable creature, choking and suffocating life from its hidden lair. Collectively, we’ve also deduced that the only way not to succumb to emotional, physical, or psychological death by that which one has disavowed is to coax it out of the darkness. Otherwise, whether slowly or all at once, depression, anxiety, mania, dissatisfaction, and exhaustion claw away at what is good and disrupts every path.
Often, when we modern people hear this narrative, we either dismiss it, claiming that nothing lives in the dark, or identify the monster itself and lock the door tighter. I’d like to offer another way to approach the proverbial darkness. And if the above storyline, told by all cultures across time and space, doesn’t spark enough motivation to find your headlamp and come with me, well, let me assure you that the collective intention is wholeness. There can be no clear or vibrant light, no true joy, without the existence of darkness. Does that mean I suggest you should parade around your flaming dragon, minimizing what it is? Certainly not.
Wholeness requires courage and curiosity to go and see if what lives in the dark can be transmuted and integrated. Wholeness requires enough willingness to learn how to be with and build right relationships with the shadows.
How To Identify The Exiled
Here are three of the many possible ways to identify what you have actually banished. Generally speaking, it starts small. Everything begins as a seed. Some distaste for something, a knee-jerk reaction to toss a desire or longing away, an avoidance of something, an impulse to judge or criticize either yourself or others.
1. For those of you without a clear ‘monster’ or disavowed part coming to mind, a reflective inventory is a successful doorway in. Grab your journal and consider the following:
What am I critical or judgmental of in myself?
What am I critical or judgmental of in others?
What can’t I stand or reject?
What desires or longings have I shut down, given up on, or minimized?
What do I dismiss?
2. Or, if you are aware of a monster that exists in your life, name it and ask yourself, “What does this characteristic, thought, or behavior protect me from?”
I know that might sound like an insane question, like, how can this awful, sad, scary, or distasteful thing be protecting me?! Be curious. Remember when this characteristic, thought, or behavior began. Go back to that time and imagine taking it away or making a different choice. What would you have had to feel or do that would have been difficult or even impossible at that time?
Some examples of easily identifiable “monsters”: addiction, substance misuse, rage, grandiosity, emotional or sexual affairs, anxiety, depression, criticism, egotism, self-reliance, other addictions, heroing or over-caretaking (yes, over functioning heroes live in the dark), obsession (spiritual or material), loneliness...
3. What is missing in your sense of self or life? Play, spirituality, structure, emotional expression of the spectrum of feelings, intellectual curiosity, meaningful relationships, purpose, artistic or creative expression or endeavors, motivation, discipline, self-care, compassion for others, acceptance... The list is endless.
What has actually been exiled lies beneath the surface, behind the monster's mask. Can you see how it all actually began and what it really was then?
Imagine the Future
What would life be like if this proverbial monster didn’t live untended to, allowed to run amok? I know, the fear, dismissal, doubt, and criticism just showed up. Set it aside for a moment and just imagine the fantasy.
See it, draw it, write it, sing it.
Is the dream worth the effort? I hope so, even if you have to go at it scared.
Get Acquainted with Your Advisory
Your advisory is the monster your exiled has become, or the masks it wears. Getting to know both is critical so you know what you’re contending with and how to do so.
After you have journaled, revisit these moments where you have thought or acted with dismissal, avoidance, criticism, or judgment, and see if you can identify sensations of fear. Typically, the primary emotion driving these behaviors is fear, alongside anger or disgust as secondary emotions.
Ask yourself, “What scares me about what I am dismissing, criticizing, judging, or avoiding?” In other words, “Why do I/did I actually think or behave this way?”
Be curious and willing to discover what you might not be aware of. Oftentimes, grief (emotions of sadness and anger) might arise. Can you allow yourself to feel the grief and acknowledge what you lost?
By this point, you know a lot about what lives in the dark, why, and the shape of defense it has grown into. With this information, you now have a way to discover what is needed.
Coax It Into the Light
Befriending someone who is crude and harsh is a lot easier to do when we see them as they actually are —scared, in pain, alone, or forgotten. Imagine your best friend, your children, or someone you love, being alone with their pain or fear. What do they actually need? Likely, your exiled or disavowed need this, too.
Coaxing the dark into the light is no easy task! This is the work of heroes and heroines who first prepare for the quest ahead by identifying what must be recovered, why it’s worth recovering and who or what has to be contended with. In doing so, they cultivate the necessary support, discipline, and skills—exercising patience and persistence, devising a plan, and a willingness to let go of temporary pleasure or relief— knowing that no longer avoiding what has been abandoned will lay the foundations for sustainable flourishing. Reclaiming yourself may test you in unimaginable ways, albeit some harder than others.
Ease into knowing that discomfort at a minimum will be involved.
The most memorable myths on this subject are heroes and heroines who, persuaded by their better judgment, resolve an evil, bleak, or disenchanted epoch not because they bear and wield a sword, but rather because they lead with compassion, curiosity, kindness, and openness. For example, in The Lord of the Rings, Frodo’s compassion toward Gollum coaxed him out from behind the monstrous mask and briefly back into his true self, Smeagol, who was then able to contribute to Frodo’s success. Or, one of my new personal favorites: in the Lindworm, a Scandinavian myth, the dragon is coaxed first out of the woods with song and poetry, and then out of his monstrous form by being truly seen by another who could temporarily tolerate what he had become and invited him, with patience and persistence and desire for his authenticity, into a relationship.
“…what actually lives in the dark are unmet needs, desires, and dreams.”
Many of my clients, on their own personal quests, have engaged therapy or a rite of passage as a metaphorical headlamp, responding to the call to go looking, no longer tolerating the disenchantment or half-lived life with a partial self. They have discovered that what actually lives in the dark are unmet needs, desires, and dreams. They’ve coaxed what they’ve denied and put into hiding, both big and small, in the faraway past and yesterday past, out of the woods and into the light. And once there, transmuted and alchemized these masked exiles, becoming some of the most wholly alive human beings, capable of contributing to the community that I’ve ever witnessed! The myths are true, the fairy tales are real. You can trust 300,000 years of collective wisdom.
If you would like to engage in therapy as a support in your personal exploration and befriending the dark, all of our therapists are highly skilled to do so. You can connect with us here. And/or, if you’d like to engage in your own ceremonial nature-based or wilderness quest/rite of passage, you can check out our offerings by clicking the button below.